Attending a funeral that requires travel, a destination funeral, is difficult enough. But for the bereaved family, it’s exponentially more challenging. Not only are they grieving, but they are also simultaneously managing travel logistics, food, and accommodations for dozens of guests who have traveled far to attend.
Stuart and I planned to attend a service for a very dear friend in Nantucket. I reached out a week before to his bereaved wife to confirm that we were definitely coming. She later confessed that she had been consumed by worry. Since she had no firm headcount of who would actually attend the service, the capacity limit had become a significant source of stress, because while the church was spacious, the post-service reception at the Nantucket Yacht Club had capacity limits due to a previously planned wedding reception in the ballroom. She said it had been such a challenge to decide whom she could invite to the reception because she did not know who would actually attend the service, and she did not want to offend others if they were not invited.
Don’t wait for an official invitation or RSVP process. A simple, proactive confirmation was a minor formality on my end, and I had no idea how much she appreciated this information; it instantly removed a major administrative roadblock.
While most friends inquire, “’Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” it is far more thoughtful to simply offer WHAT you can do! For example, confirm your attendance (the main point!), offer to drive guests if you have a car, or, if you live nearby, consider offering a spare bedroom to out-of-town guests. Your physical presence matters, but your self-sufficiency is paramount. The kindest thing you can do is eliminate logistical burdens.
On another note, you may find this book to shed some light-hearted insight into funeral protocol in the South! Both of our daughters are Colonial Dames by way of Stuart’s lineage, and because of that, I have met the most charming Dames who have become dear friends. Sally Alice, a Dame, gave me “Being Dead is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral.” Not only is it informative, but it is also enchantingly hilarious, and fabulous recipes are included as well. When my father passed away from a heart attack in Richmond, I was only sixteen. I remember vividly how my classmates from St. Catherine’s just appeared at my door to hug me, and how friends and neighbors brought over the most lovingly prepared dishes, beautifully presented. All of which taught me at an early age, don’t ask, just do.
Xx
Holly
PS: I hope you will share this letter with a friend and inspire them to subscribe too. Thank you, dear ones, for your kind support and especially for introducing yourselves when you recognize me. This week, I was in NYC, and two darling ladies in the Metropolitan Club elevator introduced themselves… we could have had a party right there! The same thing happened at the auction viewing we attended at Christie’s- a charming subscriber from Atlanta introduced herself to me. What a delight! How encouraging that we are all keeping lovely living alive… thank you!