White flowers are the most appropriate to send for a funeral. This arrangement of white roses at Fox Hall have opened up so beautifully that they almost do not look real.
The Farewell Finale:
Funeral Etiquette Part II - Appropriate attire, church etiquette, and acknowledgment notes
What to wear to a funeral:
You know this! When attending a funeral, it is most appropriate to wear conservative attire, preferably in black.
Gentlemen, wear a dark suit, dark tie, black socks and well-polished shoes. (The importance of polished shoes is my father's military background speaking, and it is applicable to women’s shoes, too.)
Ladies, wear black or dark attire. Queen Elizabeth II, and other lady members of the royal family, will always have a black outfit (along with gloves and a matching black hat, mind you), which are packed in their suitcase whilst traveling in case of an emergency mourning. I learned the hard way, as a young bride, when I attended a distant relative’s funeral service at the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., with dignitaries and the Vice President present. Almost every lady had a black suit or dress on. Since I had been traveling prior to the funeral, I did not have a black dress packed. I wore a solid-colored, conservative dress, which was pale pink. I vowed then to purchase the perfect black funeral outfit to always have on hand, but not necessarily always in my suitcase… and I did!
Note: A “memorial service” is typically more relaxed than a funeral. The burial has already taken place, so you may wear colors other than black.
Considerate funeral etiquette in a church:
-Be on time, and arrive early before the ceremony commences.
-Put your mobile phone on silent before entering the church.
-Keep your conversation with others decorously muted.
-Be respectful of religious customs. If it is a kneeling service, and you do not wish to kneel, bow your head and lean forward.
Know which side of the aisle to sit:
The immediate family sits up front, on the right side of the church aisle, in the first set of pews. The pews are customarily designated by flowers, a ribbon or a sign placed on the pew seat. Directly behind them is where the close relatives and very dear friends are seated.
Other friends, acquaintances and colleagues sit on either the right or the left side of the church.
Tearful goodbyes:
No matter how stoic you think you will be, heartfelt emotions sometimes surprise us. Ladies, it is a good idea to carry a clean and pressed handkerchief in your purse. I still use a few beautifully embroidered hankies that once belonged to Mummy, and also, some pretty pink monogrammed ones which were given to me as a gift. I always carry one when attending a funeral. (A pretty handkerchief is a sweet gift idea to give to friends who have everything.)
And gentlemen, tuck a white, well-pressed linen handkerchief in your coat pocket to offer to a family member or friend for their tender tears. My husband, Stuart, has this chivalrous gesture down pat, and believe me, it is most appreciated by ladies who forget to bring something to wipe their tears. And yes, he insists they keep it. Alternatively, offer a paper Kleenex tissue, especially during COVID.
Acknowledgment notes:
An acknowledgment note is, in essence, a note of appreciation to those who have extended kindness and condolences to you. It is a funeral thank you note, sent from the family who lost the loved one, written to those who either gave flowers, a donation, was a pallbearer, brought food, assisted the family or guests with hospitality, or whatever was deemed as a kind gesture. They do not need to be written to someone who just sent a note or card.
Typically, an acknowledgment note is sent out within a month of the funeral. Of course, this can be difficult for someone who is grieving, and it may take more time. One option is to ask a family member or relative to write them on your behalf. In fact, when you write a sympathy note to a dear friend, it is thoughtful to express that no acknowledgment is necessary, especially when you know they have so many condolences to attend to.
There are two kinds of acknowledgment notes: the preprinted note, which can be sent without a handwritten note, or a handwritten note on white or ecru writing paper and notecards. Again, black ink is de rigueur.
Preprinted notes usually mention “the family of” the deceased within the text. For example: Your kind expression of sympathy and friendship will always remain in our memories. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. The Family of... name of the deceased.
Follow up with more love:
Within the first few weeks, and even months, after a funeral, call to see how the family is doing. Invite them to dinner, or bring dinner to them. Genuinely follow up with your offers to help in any way needed.
When you encounter a friend who has lost a loved one, it is kind to mention the person who has died, and not ignore the fact as if it never happened. One of my darling subscribers, Mary, who just retired from the medical world, suggested that I mention this. She knows, from experience, how much people appreciate you remembering their loved ones.
I would be interested to hear about your funeral traditions. Please share them with me.
Forbidden faux pas:
No-no: Taking photographs at the funeral or burial service.
No-no: Not to have a sparkling clean car when attending a funeral, especially if you are driving in a funeral procession. You are honouring the dead and their family, so look your best and drive a clean car!
No-no: If you see a funeral procession of cars, to cut into the line or block the procession. Be respectful and remember that the cars in the procession are dealing with grief.
No-no: To refer to the person who has died as “the late” so-and-so before the funeral has taken place. Only AFTER the funeral can the deceased be referred to as, “the late Mr. Churchill,” for example.
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