The handshake hiatus: some gracious options to consider!

I enjoyed placing my flower arrangements on the tables at a luncheon held in the Make-Shift Theatre at our beloved Hill-Stead Museum, in Farmington, Connecticut. The bottle of Purelle was hidden behind the flowers!

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We are all aware, because of the Coronavirus, that health officials have requested that we abstain from offering or receiving a handshake. Many of you have asked me to touch upon this subject. Here are a few of my suggestions of how to graciously adapt to this new handshake hiatus protocol. 

For dear friends and loved ones, my daughter, Caroline, suggested the “air kiss” which I think works brilliantly. Just the mere gesture of a big smile, hands semi-stretched out, and the “kiss- kiss” pantomime gesture (without actually touching the person), works like a charm to convey your joy upon greeting someone. When meeting a person for the first time, I admit it is truly a challenge not to extend my hand! 

Prince Charles was also photographed offering an alternative greeting. He used “Namaste,” India’s gesture of clasping palms together, along with a slight bow, when meeting people. Having just hosted a luncheon for 55 ladies, to introduce our brilliant new Director of the Hill-Stead Museum, I suggested this very same method in place of a receiving line which I had originally planned! 

The offering of the elbow, accompanied by a smile, is a simple and well-received gesture too. Our former nanny made me giggle when she hinted that eventually an “elbow” emoji would probably be created! 

The foot touching greeting is a clever adaptation, but I find it rather awkward. 

What happens when someone forgets and extends their hand? I would like to suggest that you choose one of the gestures above or the alternative: to embrace the handshake. I admit, I have shaken an outstretched hand because I do not want to offend the other person's gesture. But, in this instance, I make certain that I do not shake anyone else’s hand before sanitizing my own. For the few instances when I do shake another person’s outstretched hand, I cover my hands with sanitizer that I keep in my purse afterwards. Gentlemen, I imagine you are able to carry a small bottle in one of your pockets.  It is considerate to apply the sanitizer incognito, either under the table, around the corner, or in the bathroom.

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Prince Charles has opted to use the Hindu “Namaste” greeting, with hands in a prayer-like gesture, in place of a handshake.

Millennial Tip
 

While hosting the ladies luncheon mentioned above, the museum opted to place a bottle of hand sanitizer on each of our dining tables. It was a brilliant idea. We instructed the hostess at each table to offer it to their guests by passing the bottle around, once everyone was seated. After each guest had the opportunity to use it, the bottle was placed on the floor next to the table hostess so that it would not distract from the elegant table setting. Needless to say, the bottle pass-along was well received!

Loud mobile phone talkers... what can you do about it?

A slice of French paradise! The pool at the Hotel Ritz Paris is a quiet respite for any lucky guest.

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Just recently, I was a snowbird happily rejoicing in the worship of the sun, poolside in Palm Beach. The warmth, after being in five-degree weather out West, felt like a re-charging cocoon of delight for my body and soul. It was heaven on earth… for about ten minutes. My state of bliss was abruptly interrupted by a guest who picked up her ringing phone and proceeded to announce, through her conversation, that she was indeed important with many deals to discuss, loudly, for over thirty minutes. The other annoyed guests, grimacing to one another, moved away from her. It was obvious that she was going to continue to talk loudly, without any consideration to others around her. Have you had this happen to you too?

This same type of annoyance also transpired while relishing an elegant lunch in Le Cinq, at the Hotel George V, Paris. My husband and I was on one side of the grand dining room and could hear every detail being discussed by a gentleman over his mobile phone on the far side of the dining room. Guests were giving him wild glances of discernment, which did not resonate on his politeness Richter scale. After ten minutes, the Maitre d’hotel went over and asked the gentleman to kindly not use a mobile phone in the dining room, which is blatantly displayed on a sign by the entrance.  He continued talking... for what seemed like an eternity, rudely ignoring the request. 

So, how does one graciously deal with this public display of disrespectful phone behavior, and still be gracious? My course of action is to quietly ask the person in charge, whether it is the maitre d’hotel, the pool attendant, or a plane purser, to address the situation and hope that the guest listens to their plea to either lower their voice, step outside, or put their phone away. What would you do?

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Evening glove savvy! Your questions answered!

The pinnacle of regal elegance! HM The Queen wears bracelets outside of her evening gloves.

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When evening gloves are worn to a formal event, there are specific etiquette guidelines you may wish to be privy to!  

Can you eat with gloves on?

No, whether you’re standing or seated at a dining table, avoid eating with gloves on. 

Can you drink with gloves on?

Yes, it is acceptable to drink with your gloves on. 

May jewelry be worn on top of your gloves?

Yes, an evening bracelet may be worn over a glove, but not rings… I doubt a ring would even fit over a glove! 

Where do you place your evening gloves when seated at a formal dinner? 

Gracefully remove your gloves, fold them in half, and place them on your lap with your napkin over them. The gloves may be removed either before being seated or at the dinner table. Put them back on when dinner is over.  

Do you wear evening gloves while dancing?

Yes, indeed! 
 

Are cotton evening gloves acceptable to wear?

Yes, cotton evening gloves are traditionally worn by debutants in the South.

Should you wear your formal gloves when shaking hands or while standing in a receiving line? 

Yes, you may shake hands with evening gloves on, except when shaking hands with the President, the First Lady, or a high ranking church or government official. Evening gloves are unlike outside gloves, where one would always remove them before shaking hands.

When presenting your hand to be kissed, should you take your glove off? 

You may keep your glove on when your hand is kissed by a gentleman. This is such a charming, old-world European tradition which is still practiced today. I will never forget when my German son-in-law kissed my hand upon our first meeting… I thought to myself, he is a keeper!  

Millennial Tip

To gracefully remove your gloves, gently push down the arm portion toward your wrist. Then, pull each finger until the glove slips off. 

To put gloves on, work in the hand from the wrist, then gradually smooth the glove up the arm. Try not to pull from the top.

Another option, when dining, is to semi-remove your gloves if your evening gloves are mousquetaires, which have three buttons at the wrists. Undo the buttons, then pull your hand out from the opening, and tuck the remainder of the glove neatly up to the wrist inside. Mummy did this, but I think it is easier to simply remove the gloves all together when dining! 

No one wears gloves more appropriately and often than HM The Queen! Ever since Queen Elizabeth II’s honeymoon, Cornelia James, who holds a Royal Warrant, has been making her gloves. Another source I have used to purchase custom gloves is Florentine Gloves. Unfortunately, the company I recommended in my last newsletter was acquired, and so I can no longer vouch for their product based on personal experience. 

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Are nametags placed on your right or left side?

What a glorious “dinner and dancing” evening I attended at Club Colette, in Palm Beach, celebrating with CEO.org. It was brilliantly hosted by Ambassador Bonnie McElveen-Hunter and Mr. and Mrs. William Morton. The charming and very talented CEO.org staff were so sweet to have their photograph taken with me to show off our nametags for this newsletter, even though I typically recommend taking them off before being photographed!

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We have all attended various functions, whether it be a business, church or garden club meeting, where a nametag is expected to be worn. If the occasion does arrive, you may wish to know how to wear one appropriately!
 

When you are offered a nametag to wear on your clothing, place it on your right side, and take a moment to be sure it is straight. The thoughtful reason behind having it displayed on your right side, and not your left, is that when you are shaking hands, you are looking straight at the nametag. This is important to note, especially for gentlemen, since they are often apt to place it on their left side coat pocket.  
 

Nametags, also referred to as badges, can come in a variety of styles: pin-on, magnetic, stick-on adhesive, clip-on, or hanging from a cord like a necklace. CEO.org always provides adjustable cords on their necklace-type nametags, my favorite variety. 

What do you do if you are wearing a silk dress and do not want to poke a hole through the silk with a pin-on nametag? I have found that silk is resilient and I simply scratch the hole with my finger once the nametag is removed and the fibers come back together. It’s best to think in advance about what clothing to wear prior to attending an event in the anticipation of wearing a nametag. 

If you are given a nametag which is dangling from a ribbon or cord like a necklace, try your best to adjust it to about the same level as where a pin-on nametag would be. Since I am petite in height, this type of nametag occasionally will come down to my waist! It’s not easy for someone to read your nametag when it is hanging that low, so I make a knot in the ribbon, in the back, to adjust it up. 

 

Millennial Tip

Remember to take your nametag off when being photographed! It looks more professional and, besides that, you never know how the photographs will be used.

Nametags are not normally worn at a social event. When planning a cocktail party or gala event, take nametags off of your to-do list!

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The flower arrangements on all of the tables at Club Colette were simply stunning creations!

Do you know how to wear long evening gloves, should the occasion arise?

When our youngest daughter Caroline (in white) made her debut at The Infirmary Ball in New York City, it was a few days before Christmas. What a magical evening it was with family and friends who came from afar to celebrate with us! It was the perfect occasion to wear opera length gloves.

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Yes indeed, long evening gloves still reign supreme for a few formal events!
 

You may think, ladies, that long, kid leather gloves  are out of style, but at certain social events, they are timelessly traditional and de rigueur.  
 

Evening gloves, also referred to as opera length gloves, reach over the elbow, and are the epitome of formal elegance. For formal and semi-formal events, ladies' gloves come in three lengths: wrist, elbow, and opera or full-length. Soft, buttery, kid leather evening gloves continue to be a refined, graceful wardrobe accessory… one which I adore wearing when the opportunity presents itself! 

To decide the length of the glove to be worn, consider the arm length of your formal or cocktail dress. A sleeveless, strapless, or short sleeve dress is appropriate for an evening glove. Conversely, the longer the sleeve, the shorter the glove.  
 

If you are attending a white tie or black tie function, a debutante ball, or the opening night of the Opera or the symphony, it is a good idea to make an inquiry in advance to your host, or the head of the event and confirm that evening gloves will be worn, if you are not sure.
 

White and ivory are the traditional color for evening gloves. Mummy shared with me that it is best never to deviate from these classic, time-honored colors. Evening gloves should only be in leather, never satin! 

Should the occasion arise for you to wear a pair of evening gloves, (and you never know!) be advised that it takes several weeks to have a pair made. It is truly best to have them custom made so that they fit your hand and arm correctly. This company is the one I have ordered successfully from. They explain how to trace your hand and arm on paper to make a bespoke template. 

Next week, I will discuss more “glove savvy” on the do’s and don'ts of evening glove etiquette! 
 

(Can you eat, drink or shake hands in evening gloves?)
 

Addendum
 

In reference to my last newsletter about phone etiquette, I would like to mention that if one has an important reason then it is acceptable to have a phone readily available. Whether it's for medical reasons or anything else, a phone can discreetly be placed on your lap under your napkin, in a pocket, or, if need be, on the table facing down! I do believe that phone use for emergency purposes is always acceptable. 

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When should you place your phone on a dinner table?

Have you ever been tempted to place your cell phone on the table?! This amusing picture above was sent to me by a darling friend, so I just had to share it!

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The presence of cell phones on the table has snuck in the back door and become the norm for many. While I touched upon this in another MMM newsletter this subject, like having a drink in one's hand while being photographed, is worth mentioning again! 

Mummy did not have to contend with cell phones on the dinner table since taking a phone to a party was not even an option back then. Today, of course, it’s hard to find a restaurant where families, couples, and children aren’t looking into their phones. Welcome to 2020! 

When attending a black tie dinner with my husband Stuart at Buckingham Palace, we were given strict instructions that cell phones were not allowed and would be collected, along with our coats, as we entered the palace. That took care of that! 

When attending a black tie wedding at a notable church recently, in the vestibule was an attractively framed message for guests: 'No photographs allowed. Cell phones should be silenced.' That covered both bases!

So, while all the guests respected the church’s request, many took a few photographs during the cocktail reception which followed, including myself. 

As may be discerned and as the amusing picture above shows, proper form dictates keeping the cell phone tucked away in a purse, or pocket, and to never place it on the dining table! 

Besides formality, however, I believe there’s something to be said about simply allowing yourself to be present and ‘in the moment’ for any given occasion. Whether it’s the birth of a new grandchild, a wedding, or even going to a nice restaurant, allowing yourself to notice the details is different than looking at it through your iPhone camera and thinking about your social media friends!  

Millennial Tip

Being respectful is key. I think it is imperative to ask permission before you post a photograph of anyone or anything on social media.

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Should you hold a drink in your hand when being photographed?

Standing with my precious friends at a glorious wedding in Chicago! Our champagne glasses were placed aside when my husband took this photograph. Look behind the mother of the bride, on the right, to see a glimmer of the tree of white orchids that was sky high!

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While attending a most grand wedding in Chicago recently, the question was posed to me by a few ladies, dear friends of mine, as we were standing together at the glorious black tie cocktail reception: do we need to set down our drinks for a group photograph?  

It was such a joyous occasion, having a drink in our hands only felt natural! To my amazement, however, I heard Mummy’s words in the back of my head saying, “place your drink to the side, and out of your hand, when posing for a photograph!” Mummy recommended not to be photographed with a drink in your hand. Her reason? It does not appear ladylike! While times have changed and are more relaxed, I understand what she was trying to say to me. 

For both men and women, a glass or anything else you hold in a photograph can be translated as some kind of statement. A photograph lives on and on. One never knows how it will be used in the future, and in these rampant, photo-posting social media days, it can be interpreted in the wrong way, especially if the photograph is unbecoming.

So, my response to them was, “it’s probably best not to have a drink in your hand.” Another option is to keep your glass in your hand, but to disguise it behind the back of the person you are standing next to. I placed my glass behind me on a table, as did the others, and we posed for a jubilant picture together! We now have a fond memory we will all cherish.

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When you wear a diamond tiara, what is the protocol?

This is a sweet memory of my daughter Caroline, at home, dressed as Princess Grace (tiara and all) for a history presentation in grade school!

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A diamond tiara may be the most consummate, prized jewelry piece in a lady’s repertoire. Its noble history and elegant sparkle lend a stunningly elegant aura to any lady who wears one! Should an occasion arise in your future for you to wear a tiara, you should be aware of the protocol that comes along with the tradition of it. 

According to the English protocol, diamond tiaras are only worn by married women or members of the royal family. A tiara is not worn by an unmarried woman. Hence, a diamond tiara brilliantly serves not only as a status symbol for a married lady but is tantamount to a wedding ring. It is an outward display that she is married and therefore not looking for a husband. 

Traditionally, a diamond tiara is passed down through one's family. If you inherited one, you have a good reason to keep it! 

Historically, a bride wore her family’s tiara on her wedding day. Nowadays, however, it is also acceptable to wear the future husband’s family tiara. Lady Diana wore her Spencer family tiara on her wedding day. This means, however, that the bride will change over to her husband’s family’s tiara, along with its jewels, once she is married.

As an interesting aside, Prince Harry's wife, Megan Markle, can no longer wear a tiara for diplomatic and royal functions, since she has relinquished her royal duties and no longer has the HRH title.

Millennial Tip

A lady may wear both a crown or a tiara, where as a gentleman only wears a crown, and a crown tends to be more elaborate than a tiara. 

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Do you have a "diamond dilemma"?!

How delightful it was to feature the extensive collection of elegant jewelry pieces at Scully &Scully with Vicky Shade on my YouTube channel.

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Do you have a “diamond dilemma”?!
 

Now that is an oxymoron… how could anyone have a dilemma with a diamond?! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right?  

Well, here is the dilemma- the traditional rule of etiquette, which you may or may not be privy to, is that diamonds are not worn during the daytime. Diamonds are worn only after dusk, or after 6 in the evening! Even the Royal protocol in England dictates this rule. So, do you ignore OR respect this traditional etiquette rule of thumb? 

This rule applies to diamond watches, earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and tiaras. Wedding and engagement rings, and pins, are exempt from this old-school rule.  Any other type of gemstones, as well as pearls, may all be worn in the daytime. But, not diamonds. They are considered too “flashy” for the daytime. Nighttime is when diamonds are at their best to twinkle. Diamonds add sparkle, especially at White Tie (Evening Dress in the UK), and Black Tie events and cocktail receptions. 

Way back when I wanted to wear a pair of lovely little diamond and pearl earrings to a sophisticated, daytime event, and Mummy said, “It’s just not done, darling!” We can all agree that times are now more relaxed.

Perhaps the most essential advice here is to acknowledge the rules as guidelines and to follow your intuition from there. 

Leave a little sparkle where ever you go! Our sponsor, Scully & Scully, offers a simply stupendous array of the most elegant jewelry. 

Have you ever wanted to wear a sparkly, diamond tiara? More diamond details next week!

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Mr. Michael Scully, who kindly wrote the foreword for my first book, is the president of Scully & Scully on Park Avenue, which his parents started in 1934. It is the oldest store on Park Avenue, and one of my most favorite with the most exquisite decorative items ... not to mention, jewelry galore!

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Why is a receiving line such a lovely tradition?

At my wedding reception, Mummy made sure that champagne was offered to our guests waiting in the receiving line, which is a brilliant way to start the festivities!

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A receiving line is such a lovely tradition, purposely created for the opportunity for hosts, and the guest of honor, or the bride and groom, to meet each guest attending their party or reception!

Receiving lines are certainly not passé as some may think but are actually quite stylish. In fact, a receiving line is de rigueur (required etiquette) for a majority of regal, military or formal official celebrations. Having a receiving line at receptions, weddings, funerals, and even luncheons, is a brilliant and gracious way of enabling the guests to shake hands and introduce themselves to the hosts, thank them, wish them well or offer condolences. I encourage you to consider having a receiving line when there are more than fifty guests invited.

From luncheons to fund-raising receptions at Fox Hall, our two daughters’ weddings, as well as our own wedding reception in Richmond, Virginia, I highly recommend having a receiving line. It’s a truly jolly way to commence any festive occasion!

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A traditional receiving line always precedes the gala dinner benefit for The Versailles Foundation, Inc. Gala Dinner in New York City.

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For a formal, regal or military receiving line, quite often there is an "announcer" at the start of the line who does not shake your hand, but listens to your name, which you clearly enunciate. Then, the announcer will present you to the host, to whom you do shake hands with, and the host then introduces you to the guest of honor or person next to them. It is best to check the protocol for any military function.

In lieu of an announcer, the hostess/host of the event is the first in line to greet the guests and will introduce each guest to the guest of honor. Memory can fail, no matter how dear of a friend the host may be, so kindly announce your name and continue to repeat your name to each person you shake hands with in the line!

The host and guest of honor receiving line should consist of no more than 5-6 people. It is a kind and necessary gesture, as a guest, to only say a sentence or two while going through the receiving line, as others are waiting behind you. It is not the time to have a conversation, no matter how tempting it may be! Simply say your name and "how do you do?" to the host, or express your happiness to have been invited. Then, promptly move on to the next person in line, repeat your name and keep the receiving line moving. A lady guest will precede a gentleman guest when going through the line. A reminder when meeting royalty: ladies curtsy and gentlemen bow their heads.

How long does this all take? Well, the approximate time is 20 seconds for each guest, and the average time for 100 guests to go through a receiving line is 30-45 minutes. For 200 guests, it is 45-60 minutes. It may be impossible for a host or guest of honor to meet all 100 guests without a receiving line, so that is just another reason to have one! It is perfectly acceptable to end the receiving line after 45 minutes.

If the receiving line is too long, it is apropos to mingle with other guests, and then, return back to the receiving line. It is thoughtful to have an appointed person to direct guests where they should go after the receiving line, for their well-earned libations! It is also appropriate to have a glass of water discreetly placed behind the guest of honor to sip upon as needed.

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Hosting fifty ladies at Fox Hall for a celebratory luncheon to honor Lady Carnarvon from Highclere Castle (aka Downton Abbey) as the guest speaker for May Market at the Hill-Stead Museum, was the perfect opportunity to have a receiving line in our front hall!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: For a guest to have a drink or any food in hand when going through a receiving line.
What is done: A guest may place their drink on a table, usually provided near the beginning of the receiving line, before the guest shakes hands. The guest may collect their drink after the receiving line, or go to get another.

No-no: An unenthusiastic, no eye-contact, limp handshake greeting from those in the receiving line (host and guest of honor) meeting the guests.
What is done: No matter how long the line is, as the host or guest of honor, try your best to give the same genuine enthusiasm, smile and firm handshake to each guest that you meet, making the last guest in line feel as celebrated as the first!

No-no: Wearing sunglasses while shaking hands.
What is done: Remove your sunglasses, and squint if necessary! When creating the placement of the receiving line, it is beneficial to take the sun into consideration so that it is not directly in anyone's eyes.

No-no: Cell phones in hand, or not silenced.

What is the most appropriate flower arrangement on a dining room table? Low is the way to go.

My precious friend Kelly is sweet, stylish, and oh, so talented in everything that she does. My husband and I were invited to dinner at her stunning house, and I asked if I could take a photograph of her simple and elegant, white hydrangea arrangements… understated perfection!

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There is nothing more elegant than flowers picked from the garden and arranged to grace a dining room table! Mummy instilled in me that the most appropriate flower arrangement for a dining room table must be low enough so that you can easily see the guests seated on the opposite side of the table. The whole purpose of dining is to have conversations and to interact with the other guests, which is nearly impossible if the flower arrangement is too high! Playing peek-a-boo around a garden bush outside is amusing, but not at a dinner table.

Garden flowers are always a treasure to behold in an arrangement, but if you do not have a garden, or if you are in a season without flowers, purchasing them is still a lovely option. I sometimes intertwine store-bought flowers with my garden flowers too.

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Fox Hall had a banner crop of hydrangea blossoms, so I mixed them with store bought roses to line the dinner table on the verandah.

I remember having lunch at Althorp. The table had four or five simple silver revere bowls filled with white roses, cut just high enough to make a rounded dome of rose blossoms a couple of inches high over the bowl. They were placed down the center of the dining room table... discrete, elegant and classic.

The dinner party to celebrate the Christening of my daughter's twins took place in the simply charming, historic thatched roof Tichborn Arms, near Alresford, England. Guests flew in from around the world. It was such a memorable evening, filled with heartfelt toasts and much love.

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When I purchase flowers, I find it is best to do it several days in advance, so that they can open up for me when I arrange them the day of my event. Full blown roses and peonies are always spectacular. And, I like to use a variety of flowers, depending on the time of year. I even like some that others may consider wild, or even weed flowers, which I pick from the field at Fox Hall.

Large functions outside or in an event venue are an exception to the low-arrangement rule. Tall vases are used to add drama and height. I have noticed that the stems on these tall vases are either thin or clear glass, so that one can still see across the table!

This silver trumpet vase works well when placed on my piano, as it adds needed height to the front hall. The flowers are all from my husband Stuart's garden at Fox Hall.

How should one sit in a dining room chair? Gently!

A silk kidney pillow graces all of my Chippendale dining room chairs. You can be creative and use different, but complementary, fabrics and trims, as I did here.

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Dining room chairs are inherently delicate due to their pierced backs and delicate splats (the exposed portion of the wood design behind your back). Traditional chairs such as Chippendale, Hepplewhite and ribbon-back are not meant to support your back. In fact, formally, your back should never touch the back of the chair! Remember that sitting up straight always looks more handsome and engaging than a slouching back.

Mummy said that both men and women should sit down gently and gracefully. Leaning on the chair is not only just not done, it is quite embarrassing for both the guest and the host if the chair back breaks (which I have witnessed). So, unlike a fireside chair or a fully upholstered chair, purposely designed for comfort, a classically designed dining room chair remains an elegant adornment for elegant dining.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Touching your hair while seated at the dining room table. I have noticed younger generations feel quite comfortable flicking their long hair back or stroking a ponytail.

No-no: Applying any type of makeup at the dining room table.

The exception to this rule exists in some parts of the South, which I am accustomed to, at an informal dinner where a lady can apply lipstick, very discreetly.

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This is an example of a ribbon-back chair with a needlepoint seat. I designed a kidney pillow with documented historic Brunschwig & Fils fabric and trim for a touch of pink in my living room at Fox Hall!

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Millennial Tip

Adding a down-filled, kidney-shaped pillow (see above) to the back of a dining room chair adds comfort for your guests’ back, and also looks quite lovely.

Upholstering your dining room chairs in traditional leather (depending on the texture and how it is tanned) can look quite handsome and is also practical, as it is durable and easy to wipe off any of the “hopping tidbits” from a child’s fork!

Monograms for a Married Couple: Whose Initial Goes First?

As a married couple (for 43 years!) my initial is on the left, our surname larger in the center, and Stuart's initial is on the right.

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"If it is not moving, monogram it!" This is how Reese Witherspoon refers to monogramming in her darling book, Whiskey in a Teacup, and it sums up my southern sentiments as well. Monogramming is an essential element in the South for timeless and tailored houses. Towels, sheets, coverlets, shams, without a monogram... well, they just look naked, like a cupcake without frosting! This also goes for silver, writing paper, and photograph frames. The list is endless.

For a married couple, the bride's first initial comes first on the left, the surname of the couple in the center, and the groom's first initial on the right, in that order. This joint monogram is used mainly on items that the couple will use together, such as sheets in their bedroom and towels in their bathroom.

Once married, a woman who has taken on her husband's last name has two choices. Her first name on the left, her married surname in the center, and either her maiden name on the right OR her middle name on the right. I chose the latter. The woman is considered the hostess of the house, so her initials are the ones used for most items in the household. A woman's maiden initials are always appropriate to use, even after she is married.

A monogram for a single woman or single man is as you would imagine, with the first name on left, the last name in the center and the middle name on the right.

If a name has more than three initials, as my father's did with five, then they are written in a straight line, instead of having the last name centered.

Script is quite often the font of choice for women and babies, while a block font is quite handsome for men. The various fonts and styles are endless, making a gift with a monogram so thoughtful and unique.

Mummy chose to have her initials all the same size, in a line, on her linens here. Her first name E, maiden name W, and married name E, is last.

On a little throw blanket in my office, the initials are: left first name, center last name, and my middle name on right.

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What goes well with a gift?

A Gift Enclosure Card and Envelope!

Gift enclosure cards, with their matching envelopes, are a thoughtful adornment on any gift. A little note written on the gift card, along with your name, is a splendid way to let the recipient know who gave the gift to them.

Here are examples of some of my gift enclosure cards and envelopes. I placed an informal fold-over card on the bottom right, with a line through my name, so that you can visually see the size difference between the cards. The gift card on the right, with my blue monogram, is a petite fold-over gift enclosure card. Because the cards are diminutive in size, approximately 2 1/2" x 3 1/2", there is not much room to write more than a sentence or two! For example:
 

Dearest Caroline,

We have been looking forward to this evening and thank you for including us! xoxo Holly
 

I think it is lovely to have gift enclosure cards custom made. One box of 50 or 100 should last you a longggg time! By having your name, initials or a monogram on the card, it will suddenly become a unique representation of you, just like your custom writing paper.  

On the left is an engraved gift enclosure card on white stock paper from Tiffany & Co. Like an informal note, if the recipient of the gift is a dear friend, I draw a line through my name and write a little message underneath.

The stylish card on the right is from precious friends who had their enclosure cards custom made in London. It is charming to see three tiny gold initials. The wife "T" and the husband "J,” with the last name initial "L" below. Remember ladies, your name/ initials go first, before the man's.

At the bottom, on ecru colored stock, are three strong double Roman block letters, fitting for this gentleman who has great classic style. His daughter, along with our daughter, were the co-captains of two Varsity sports teams at Miss Porter's School. His gift enclosure card accompanied the baby gift of a Miss Porter's shirt for our first granddaughter!

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A few more examples of enclosure cards... the red fold-over Christmas tree is from Crane & Company, the package of flower gift cards was a gift to me from a sweet friend, and the precious pink card and envelope, with the delicate white stripe border, accompanied a lovely Tiffany pen. A dear friend gave the pen to me when she heard that my first book had been published. I adore how she writes, especially using the word, "smasheroo!”

These two gift card envelopes feature a traditional tissue paper lining, which is very European. The colors that you choose for the card and envelope paper, along with the option of a contrast lining, are similar to designing a dress. Oh, so many colorful variations from which to choose!

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Thank You Notes - Part V

From Left to Right: Mark Cross Rollerball pen, 3 Mont Blanc fountain pen nibs, and a pink Conklin fountain pen.

The Secret Behind Fountain Pen Nibs

An authentic fountain pen is the best and most traditional choice of writing instrument. A rollerball pen (not a ballpoint) with black or blue ink, would be my choice. Fountain pens can take a while to get used to, depending on the nib size. Practice first if you are not accustomed to using one. Also, fountain pen ink can take a few seconds longer to dry than a rollerball, so take that into consideration when writing, to avoid smudging the ink all over your writing paper.

The nib is where the ink flows out at the point of the fountain pen onto the paper. I highly recommend trying out several nibs at either a Mont Blanc store or a stationery store that sells fountain pens before you buy one. For my particular style of handwriting, a Fine (.06mm line thickness) or Medium point (.08) works well. My mother-in-law uses a bold (1.0) nib and I adore her handwriting- strong and bold with flourishes!

Top Left: Three different sized nibs for Mont Blanc fountain pens. Top Right: Rollerball by Mark Cross

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Why are menu cards majestic?

Having a menu card for an event elevates the occasion and honors the celebration or the person being feted. It also lets guests know what to expect. With the date and the occasion printed on the card, it can become a keepsake for your guests, too.

Menu cards are printed vertically and are approximately 5" x 8" in size, give or take a few inches in each direction. I have my menu cards custom made using white, 110-pound stock, with a black image of Fox Hall printed on the top and center. The cards are 4 1/4" wide x 5 1/2" high. I use these cards as menu cards, as well as for impromptu notes. I specify rounded corners, which I adore, as they are quite prevalent in Europe, and most aesthetically pleasing to the eye! Menu cards are traditionally printed in black ink, and occasionally gold or a color to complement the design on the card.

The menu card is placed either on the table to the left of the forks, on the butter plate (sans butter), or on the dinner plate. It may also be set in a holder, so that it stands up. If using a holder (similar to a place card holder), it may be placed above either the dinner plate or the butter plate, centered.

If you are going to have menu cards, remember that each guest receives one at their place setting. It is a thoughtful gesture to offer one as it allows your guests to see in advance what will be served, adding to their eager anticipation! It also alerts your guests to potential food allergies they may have. (On that note, as a gracious guest, it is your responsibility to alert your hostess prior to the date of the event of any allergies that you may have.)

I like to add the year to the date printed on my menu card, so that I too, can remember when the event took place... it always seems like it was just yesterday!

We have three darling friends who share almost the same birth date as my husband in April, which is the zodiac sign of the Ram. Hence, I named them the "Rambunctious Rams" for their unruly, albeit formal, celebratory dinner each year! Yes, Stuart, my husband, delights our guests with a firework display at many of our dinner parties. Our guests adjourn from dinner and enjoy the fireworks on the terrace while viewing them from above on our verandah at Fox Hall.

This menu card represents a momentous and memorable dinner at Dr. and Mrs. Paul R.C. Sullivan's elegant house. Stuart and I met, for the first time, the CEO of CPTV public television, Jerry Franklin on this evening, where I was seated next to Jerry at dinner. I like to think of this dinner as not only a splendid occasion but also as a most serendipitous event for me. Eventually, this dinner party led to working with Jerry and CPTV to create my PBS television series, You Are Cordially Invited. We even filmed the pilot episode at the Sullivan house, concluding at that very same dining room table!

Here are two examples of royal menu cards that I wanted to share with you.

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Thank You Notes - Part IV

The Art of the Handwritten Note

A well composed, handwritten note is a very thoughtful gift you can give to someone. With the plethora of emails and texts these days, a handwritten note is a precious sight for sore eyes! You know that someone has taken the time to compose and write meaningful words, just for you.

Some feel handwriting is a lost art, but I feel it is alive and well, especially for those who understand the social and business significance of it.

When you are handwriting a thank you note, be sure to write on the correct sides of your writing paper, in this order:

By simply looking at someone's unique handwriting on the outside of an envelope addressed to you, there is a chance that you might immediately recognize who it is from, conjuring up eager anticipation! Occasionally, I discover a handwritten note from Mummy or Daddy inside a book or on a gift given to me. Immediately, I feel their loving presence when I see my mother's loopy handwriting or when I view my father's distinct handwriting in his traditional blue fountain pen ink. Have you ever had this happen?

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Millennial Tip

Regretfully, only a handful of states still teach cursive writing in elementary schools. Fortunately, there is a renewed interest in the art of cursive writing for adults.

Letter Writers Alliance has 15,000 members who are passionate about letter writing and wish to keep it alive.

Sip and Script offers 90-minute classes on the art of cursive handwriting, hosting events around the country! Learn more here.

My Favorite Etiquette Books

Addressing an envelope and knowing the appropriate salutations can be a minefield of protocol with various titles and ranks. I do not pretend to know these by heart and must always look them up!

There are a myriad of etiquette books and experts to choose from and listen to these days. I have been asked which are my personal favorite reference books, which I have listed below. (And, can you keep a secret? In the near future, I look forward to sharing my book with you, which will be a compilation of Mummy's Monday Manners newsletters!)

Mummy's old copy of Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette, 1962, is my most cherished etiquette book... many of the pages have become unbound and torn over the many years of loving use! There is a newer, 50th-anniversary edition available, but I still prefer to use my old copy.

May I also suggest that you treat yourself to a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette 19th Edition, a stellar reference book for your house and/or office. Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and the co-author of this newest edition. Lizzie and I have individually been invited to be guests on the Welcome Home Podcast, where I had the most delightful time discussing "Holiday Etiquette" with the co-hosts of the podcast, my dear friends, Graham Smith andKirsten Dunlap.

William Hanson's Bluffer's Guide series on etiquette is simply brilliant! William is a charming friend and the leading expert on etiquette in the U.K. Visit www.williamhanson.co.uk for more information.

The Green Book, which is the social list of Washington, D.C., has been published by four generations of family since 1930, with a new edition debuting every fall. Each edition lists the invited members, along with stellar reference pages for protocol and etiquette. I still refer to Mummy's old copies.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: When addressing an envelope, using the words “To” or “From” for the addresses. The placement of the address and the return address on the envelope indicates who the note is to and from!

Thank You Notes - Part III

It can be a challenge to know how to address an envelope correctly, depending on title, rank, or whether a lady is married, divorced, or single...the list goes on and on. The same holds true in knowing the correct salutation to use in regard to rank and title.

When addressing an envelope to a couple, traditionally the rule of thumb is that a man's name is never separated from his last name. For example, the correct way to address my husband and me is:

Mr. and Mrs. R. Stuart Holden

Be aware that rank and title will change the order of the names for a married couple. If the woman outranks her husband with a professional or educational degree, and uses her title socially, then she goes first when addressing a married couple. For example:

Dr. Holly Holden and Mr. R. Stuart Holden
 

Without a title, such as Mr. and Mrs., the names are listed with the woman's name first: 

Holly and Stuart Holden
 

So, just remember that ladies go first, and then men, followed by the children.

Formally, when addressing an envelope to a married lady, you would use her husband's name:

Mrs. R. Stuart Holden

But these days, it is appropriate to use: 

Mrs. Holly Holden

You can imagine which way I prefer… using my husband's name!

A single lady, or a married lady who has kept her maiden name, are best addressed as Ms. versus Miss. But, for a girl 18 and under, Miss can still be used.

For the salutation on a note to a married couple:

Formal: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Holden
Informal: Dear Holly and Stuart (ladies first!)

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: When addressing an envelope, using the words “To” or “From” for the addresses. The placement of the address and the return address on the envelope indicates who the note is to and from!

Thank You Notes - Part II

Happy New Year and thank YOU for your enthusiastic support for my newsletters!

I am honoured (the English, formal way to spell “honor”) that you have encouraged so many others to sign up too, and I hope you will continue to do so. Thank you so very much!

My wish for you...

May love and kindness be a beacon of light, so that your 2019 may be merry and bright!

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Notecards can be store bought or customized with engraving, embossing or printing. Please refer to my past newsletter, “Thank You Notes- Part I,” here, for a more in-depth explanation on the various nuances of how to write a proper card. Refer to my past newsletter, “What is the most sincere type of sympathy card?” here, on reasons why you may draw a line through your name.

When composing your thank you note, do your best to personalize it by explaining why you like the gift, and how or where you will use or display the gift. This seems elementary, but quite often, these simple steps are neglected! The more specific you are, the more endearing and meaningful your note will be to the recipient.

For the closing lines of your note, consider saying that you look forward to seeing the person you are writing to soon so that you can thank them again in person. Wish them well for the new year, or express a bon voyage for an upcoming trip they will embark upon, etc. These thoughtful gestures serve to graciously emphasize how much you care about them and that you are grateful for their gift to you.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To wet/seal the entire envelope flap.
What is done: Only the tip of the V-shaped flap is sealed. Then, it is easier for the recipient to open the envelope. It also allows you to take a little secret peek underneath the flap to see the diminutive embossed name of the stationery company. It is located on the back, left inside of the envelope. Top notch stationery companies such as Tiffany, Cartier, Mrs. John L. Strong, and Smythson do this. My Mummy showed me this when I received the handwritten R.s.v.p. responses to my wedding. I thought it was a brilliant little secret, and it inspired me to have elegant stationery!