Thank You Notes - Part 1

Over the years, collections of note cards grow! It's a delight to have a variety from which to choose. A thoughtful gift for your children at any age is custom writing paper. Start the tradition of writing their thank-you notes as soon as they can hold a crayon and scribble a picture.

I can hear Mummy now, especially in the days before Christmas. "Always have an attitude of gratitude... it will serve you well your entire life!" An attitude of gratitude most certainly extends to thank you notes. The gracious gesture of sending a thank you note is an unexpected gift which expresses, in writing, how much you appreciate what another person has given or done for you. I like to think of it as a handmade, sparkling gem you are giving someone. It is tangible and will be most appreciated and meaningful to the recipient. Some thank you notes are cherished and kept by the recipient forever... I know that I have kept many of mine.

Thank you notes are handwritten, not typed or emailed, and a stamp and some form of writing paper (to be discussed in future newsletters) are required. They are written with a fountain or rolling ball pen, in blue or black ink. These days, they can also be written in an amusing color, like pink! If the recipient lives close enough, then by all means, hand deliver the note.

A thank you note should ideally be written and mailed out within 48 hours of receiving a gift, a kind gesture, attending a celebration or enjoying time spent with someone. The more specific your note is, expressing details about the event or why you are so appreciative, the better! The same 48 hour rule is also applicable in responding to an invitation. Polished politeness means making the effort to R.s.v.p. within 48 hours of receiving the invitation. Think of an invite as a gift… one that you are grateful and excited to receive.

A "bread and butter note" is an old-school way of referring to a thank you note sent to someone for their hospitality!

In England, stationery or notepaper is always referred to as writing paper.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To buy writing paper or a card that has "thank you" already printed on it. You are writing a note to say thank you, so there is no need to have the stationery company print it on the paper for you.

No-no:Starting a note with the word "I." This gives the impression that you are more important than the person you are writing to.

No-no: Starting a note with the words, "Thank you." Instead, make the effort to explain what you are thanking the recipient for, and then express your thanks.

No-no: To think that an email thank you note is a sufficient expression of gratitude after attending a dinner party. The amount of time and effort a hostess puts into a party solely for your pleasure should inspire you to take a few moments to acknowledge her with sincere recognition by writing a note.

No-no:To think that brides have up to one year to write a thank you note. A thoughtful bride will write one within three months of receiving a wedding gift.

Postscript — Your Questions Answered

I am so grateful to Mummy and Daddy for all they taught me about etiquette and gracious living.

What lovely support I have received from you! I am thrilled that the list of subscribers for Mummy’s Monday Manners grows daily. Thank you for spreading the word and encouraging family and friends to sign up for MMM. I am most grateful for your enthusiasm. I do hope that you will continue your efforts to encourage others to sign up, and a gentler world we will advocate. Mummy would be so pleased!

It has been a pleasure to receive your ideas for future newsletters... I find them so inspiring! And, your questions have influenced me to write my first "Postscripts" newsletter, where I will share a sampling of my answers. Again, I simply adore sharing some of the sage and seasoned advice that my parents taught me. Their knowledge has served me well through the years, and I wish the same for you.

Question: If you are invited to a party with multiple hostesses, do you bring a little something for each hostess, or solely for the hostess whose house the party is being hosted at?
Answer: Bring a little gift for the house hostess, but there is no set rule for multiple hostesses! Personally, I try to bring a little gift for each hostess and write a thank you note to each hostess as well. Yes, it is more effort, but each hostess will appreciate your acknowledgment immensely, as they contributed to the party as well. It is always nice to be recognized for the work and commitment it takes to host an event. From soaps to ornaments for the Christmas tree, or even homemade Spiced Southern Pecans (you may see my YouTube episode for the recipe), a gift for each hostess is a kind, thoughtful and appreciated gesture.

Question: What do you do if an oversized, unruly hors d'oeuvre is served to you at a cocktail party? For example, one that you pick up with your fingers but that must be eaten in two or three challenging bites.
Answer: Simply say, "no thank you" and pass on any large hors d'oeuvre! Mummy taught me to make and serve small, one bite (or two bites if it’s easy to manage) nibbles. Experienced caterers know how important this is, as do Michelin starred restaurants. Petite, elegant and bite-sized treats are always top-notch. I remember taking a bite of a large piece of baklava, and the honey and butter dripped down the front of my silk dress… there was no hope!

Question: ​ Can you do a segment about how ridiculous it is for a hostesses to ask their guests to take their shoes off? It is so embarrassing if you have a hole in your socks or your knee highs are mismatched! There was even an episode of Sex and the City where the hostess asked her guests to take their shoes off, and someone had their Jimmy Choo heels stolen at the party!
Answer: This is simple... guests keep their shoes on, not off! The exception would be guest children, especially when their shoes are muddy or sandy from playing outdoors.

Question: ​ At a buffet table, is it impolite to have a man go before a woman?
Answer: Women should serve themselves first at a buffet table, before men. This is especially true in Europe.

Question: ​ What do you do when a server at a restaurant begins to remove your plate before others are finished?
Answer: Quietly, ask them to keep your plate in place until the others are finished.

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To Clink or Not to Clink? That is the Wine Question!

Enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at “Le Clarence” in Paris.

Oh, a celebration and the lovely sound which two crystal glasses make when they are “clinked” together. The heavier the crystal, the more full-bodied and robust the sound!

As tempting as it may be, when a toast is made in regal circles, or “polite society,”  glasses are always raised for a toast, but are never clinked.

The tradition of touching or clinking glasses began eons ago. If one was afraid that there may be poison in their glass, by clinking the other person’s glass, there was a chance that a portion of their liquid would spill into the other glass… a test to prove there was no poison! So, in essence, clinking showed a sign of trust to one another. It was also a custom thought to ward away any evil spirits lurking about. At the beginning of the 20th century, clinking glasses began to be interpreted as a working-class tradition and thus was abandoned by those with more refined manners.

So, clink if you wish, but be aware that it is not practiced, nor condoned, in certain circles. As always, take your lead from the host of the table!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Not to clink if someone extends their glass to you, making the effort to clink your glass. 
What is done: Clink away to avoid making the other person feel awkward. Manners are about being polite to others.

No-no: To drink to yourself when a toast is made to you. 
What is done: If a toast is made in your honor, do not hold or raise your glass, or take a drink until everyone else has. It would be tantamount to applauding yourself!

No-no: To tap your glass with a knife to attract attention to yourself when you wish to propose a toast.
What is done: Stand and lift your glass toward the center of the room or toward the person you are toasting. Hopefully, this will alert others that you are about to offer a toast. 

No-no: To not raise your glass when a toast is being made, even if the glass is empty!
What is done: Always raise your glass for a toast, whether it is full or empty.  I try to keep a little portion of libation in my glass at all times if I am at a large function and anticipate that a toast may be made… wedding receptions are a prime example!

Millennial Tip

Be sure to hold the stem of a wine or champagne glass low enough so that your hand does not touch the bowl of the glass. And ladies, as you sip your libation, try to keep your lipstick mark on your glass in the same position so that you don't have lipstick marks around the entire rim!

I have been told that in England one says, "Good health!" instead of "Cheers!"

Are you familiar with old-school napkin niceties?

"Mummy's Fold," her preferred napkin-folding method, at Fox Hall.

Napkins can be a secret signal in more ways than one! How you fold, place and use them has a language all its own.

Mummy always said the napkins need to be pressed and folded correctly. The fold method she taught me to use (pictured above), is quite simple to execute and appropriate for informal as well as formal dining. I have also used the Duchess fold for formal dinner parties, which is quite regal but does require practice and a bit of finesse to fold it correctly. The Duchess fold is the napkin fold most prevalent in the English palaces and castles where I have been invited. It definitely requires a large, starched, dinner-size napkin to properly execute the fold technique.

The Duchess Fold (seen above) is often used at grand homes throughout England, including many royal homes. Here it is at Woburn Abbey.

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While seated, wait for the hostess to remove their napkin first, and then follow her lead and place yours on your lap, unfolding once from a square into the long rectangular length, with the fold facing towards you. If you are at a table of friends, without the presence of a hostess, proceed to place the napkin in your lap right away when you are seated.

Waving a white flag announces surrender, correct? Well, how you fold and place your used napkin when the dinner is over quietly announces your etiquette adeptness! At the end of dinner, fold your napkin as similarly as the way it was folded when you arrived at the table, and place it back to the left of where the forks were. If the napkin was originally presented in a challenging fold, do not attempt to duplicate it! Simply fold it into a regular rectangular shape. After the dinner guests have departed, it can be amusing for the hostess to see which one of her guests know this old-school signal of good manners... and it is always a delight to see which of the gentlemen have mastered this. By the way, if you are at a restaurant and not a private house, you may be much more relaxed — just loosely, semi-refold the napkin.

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To place a fork ON TOP of a napkin. The only exception to this rule is if you are dining outside and the possibility of wind would require you to weigh down the napkin with a fork to keep it from blowing away. 

No-No: To place your napkin back on the table during dinner if you need to excuse yourself.
What is done: If you must excuse yourself, do not explain why. Simply say, “excuse me” and leave momentarily. Then, place your napkin on the chair, NOT the table, until you return.

No-No: Wiping your entire mouth with a napkin, or, heaven forbid, using it as a handkerchief for your nose!
What is done: Simply dab lightly at the corners of your mouth, using the inside of the napkin, so that it is not seen on the outside of the napkin and will not get on your clothes. Try your very best, ladies, not to get lipstick on the linen napkin as a courtesy to the hostess.

Millennial Tip

Napkins come in various sizes. To narrow it down, a luncheon size is smaller than the larger dinner size. You are quite fortunate if you inherit linens, as the older linens can be of exceptional size and quality. I like to have linens with elegant monogramming or family crests embroidered on them. It does not matter if they do not match your own initials- they represent family! Splendid varieties of older linens are available at private sales and auctions. And, one of my most favorite stores to buy new linens with exceptional custom embroidery is Lori Jayne in Palm Beach!

What does your handshake say about you?

Mummy looking glamorous in her mink stole at a black-tie event in Taipei, Taiwan 1964. I am so grateful she taught me how to have a smile to go along with a firm handshake!

Your handshake is a greeting that truly represents you! The strength of your grip is important. This shows that your handshake is not a hollow gesture, which a limp handshake can imply. In the United States, one or two pumps of your hand as you shake, straight up and down, not side to side, will suffice. Other countries have different codes of pumping the hands, or kissing a hand.

A handshake is a centuries-old tradition, given among "equals" in reference to rank, with historical reasoning. For example, in deference to rank, HRH Queen Elizabeth can keep her gloves on to shake hands, while you should remove yours. Or, when one is in military uniform, a Major would not offer to shake hands with a General.

A man should wait for a woman to extend her hand, unless there is a hierarchy, in business or otherwise, such as the CEO of your company or a titled person.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To shake with your left hand. Always shake with your right hand!
Exception: If there is a physical or medical reason why you cannot shake with your right hand.

No-No: For a man to meet and shake hands while sitting down, when the other person is standing up. Men should rise from their chair to shake hands out of respect (unless you are in a wheelchair, or have medical issues prohibiting you from standing). Ladies may remain seated to shake hands with a gentleman who is standing. I always prefer to stand up if seated, out of respect to the person that I am meeting.

No-No: To offer your hand first to a person of higher rank or authority. They should make the first move to offer their hand to shake yours.

No-No: Not to take off your sunglasses when being introduced for the first time.
What is done: Remove your sunglasses so that the person being introduced to you can see your eyes and your face without your identity being hidden. After you have met, then you can go back to being a movie star with your sunglasses on!

No-No: Not to take your glove off first to shake someone's hand. If you are wearing gloves, take the glove off your right hand to give a handshake. Then, put your glove back on. At elegant events, such as weddings, ladies may keep their gloves on to shake hands. Ladies wearing long kid-leather opera gloves at a formal event do not need to take their glove off to shake either. But, ladies should take their glove off when shaking hands with the President, First Lady or a high ranking official.

No-No: To leave your left hand in your pocket while shaking with your right hand. Both hands should be visible. 

No-No: To grasp the other person's arm with your left hand when shaking their right hand and meeting them for the first time. Once you know one another, then by all means, this is appropriate!

Millennial Tip

Share with your children how important good eye contact is when shaking hands! Often an overlooked or forgotten point, this aspect of a proper handshake needs practice and encouragement. A strong handshake, along with good eye contact, and topped off with a genuine smile, is bound to make a lasting, positive impression!

What are the FOUR words to say when introduced, while shaking hands?

Meeting The Hereditary Prince and Princess Berhard of Baden and Mrs. Barbara de Portago, President of The Versailles Foundation, Inc. Gala Dinner in April 2015.

“How do you do?” These four words are AS GOOD AS GOLD! They are tantamount to a 'secret code' when combined with a strong handshake, excellent eye contact, and a sincere smile. This simple combination of the four words and the ceremonial handshake quietly relay that you respect and have mastered traditional manners.

It is also very considerate to say your name after the four words. For example: "How do you do? Holly Holden.” The reason you say your name is to give the other person the opportunity to hear it once more, as you repeat it after the introduction is made. How many times have you been introduced and haven't quite…caught the name? Oh dear, I know, it has happened to me too!

"How do you do?" is the most traditional greeting you can say. Pleasure to meet you, nice to meet you, pleased to meet you, or even “charmed,” do not hold a candle to "How do you do?.” Do you really know if you are pleased to meet someone on the very first encounter, or do you wish to get to know them first?  This is the reasoning behind the traditional four-word introduction greeting. And yes, you can say how pleased you are to meet someone, but after the initial, "How do you do?" greeting.

What is a traditional response to someone's initial "How do you do?” This is SO easy to remember. Simply say "How do you do?" back to them! And then, you may carry on with your polite conversation.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To interpret a "How do you do?" as a "How are you?" inquiry. "How do you do?" is not a question about your health, but simply a greeting! After the "How do you do's" are exchanged, you may ask, "How are you?"....very well, thank you!

No-No: Not to acknowledge someone with sincerity when being introduced to them. I have seen this done before and am saddened at how hurtful this can be for the other person being slighted.

Millennial Tip

Manners are learned behavior. One of the best gifts you can bestow upon your children is to teach them how and what to do when being introduced. And, start young! Have your children practice with friends and family when they come to visit. I will never forget when my team and I were photographing the former Prime Minister of Canada's house for an upcoming Palm Beach book, his precious grandchildren were visiting. When they were presented to us, we were duly impressed with their finesse at such a young age... strong handshake, eye contact and a polite "How do you do?” No wonder two of the Mulroney grandchildren were chosen as page boys and were honored to ride with Meghan Markle, now Duchess of Sussex, on the way to her wedding at Windsor Castle. They even carried her train down the aisle of St. George's Chapel!

What is the most sincere type of sympathy card?

A card that is not store-bought is the most sincere way to offer your condolences, especially if you can't be there in person. There is no need to buy a sympathy card, ever. Mummy always said that your words are a thousand times more meaningful than what is printed on a card. So, write with all of your heart, on white stationery with a black ink pen.

If you have a white or ecru fold over, informal card with your name in black engraving (photo above), then you have the most appropriate old-school stationery to use. And, if you do not, another suitable option is a plain piece of white paper or a note card, preferably a nice stock such as Crane & Co. Stationery. Take a moment to think about the person you are remembering and then write your loving words of sympathy. A fountain pen with black ink is always the most proper and traditional choice. A ballpoint pen would be your last choice.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Never mention anything negative about the deceased person in your note. Only mention lovely memories and offer your sympathy.

No-no: Never slip your folded card into the envelope with the folded edge side down. The folded edge of a card should be at the top of the envelope so that the recipient stands much less chance of a paper cut if the sharp edges are at the bottom!

Millennial Tip

When your formal name (photograph above) includes a title (such as Mrs., Mr., Lady, Countess or Doctor) that is engraved or printed onto your stationery, you may draw a line through your name if you are writing to a dear friend. This is especially appropriate on a sympathy note. The line you draw through your name discreetly indicates that you are writing to them on a personal level, as a friend and without formality. This is appropriate for any type of stationery that you have, and for any occasion, including a gift card enclosure. You do not draw a line through a monogram or if your name does not include a title before it.

How do you sip your soup?

Quietly, and from the side of the spoon!

One does not place the entire spoon in one's mouth. Soup is sipped silently from the side of the spoon. As tempting as it may be to place the entire spoon in your mouth, especially when a truly yummy soup is served, refrain yourself!

Fill your soup spoon by skimming the surface, scooping the spoon away from you. The reason you scoop away from yourself is so the soup does not splash onto you. If there are any drips on the spoon, discreetly wipe your spoon on the far side of the bowl along the inside rim. The soup may be gently tilted away from you to finish.

A soup spoon is placed on the right side of the soup bowl, or if there is a knife at the place setting, to the right of the knife. The most traditional soup spoon is the size of a large, oval tablespoon, especially if you own an antique European set of flatware. These large "soup tablespoons" are still used today for formal dinners (and can also be used for a dessert course) and are served with "soup plates" which have a large flat-rim, and are not referred to as bowls. When finished, the spoon is left to rest in the soup plate at the 9-3 o'clock position.

For luncheons, a lighter soup, bouillon or a cold soup are typically served in a cream soup cup with delicate handles on either side. The handles may be used to pick up and to sip from the cup. I still use a spoon for fear that some surprise portion of soup will inevitably splash out on me! A soup cup is served with a smaller, round bowled spoon, referred to as a bouillon spoon or cream soup spoon. These days, smaller oval soup spoons are often used for all types of soup, in place of the larger tablespoons. When finished, the spoon is placed upon the liner plate, beneath the soup cup.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To hold a soup spoon, whatever the size, with your pointer finger placed on the top surface of the spoon or along the leading edge, similar to holding a knife or a pen. A soup spoon is held in your right hand with your thumb on top of the flat portion of the handle.

No-No: To put the entire soup spoon in your mouth or to blow on it to cool it down.

Millennial Tip

Any time of year, I think soup is an elegant first course to commence either a luncheon or dinner party. I prefer to have the soup served and placed on the tables, prior to the guests being seated. That being said, a hot soup may cool off a bit depending on how long it takes your guests to be seated, but this method works extremely well for cold soups!

Mummy would often add a beet to a cream soup recipe (depending on the recipe) to create a lovely pink hue... and who doesn't love pink?

How do you serve and clear the plates from the dining room table at a dinner party?

In America, the rule of thumb is to "serve on the left!" Plates, along with other serving dishes, are served on the left side of the guests. Plates are cleared from the table on the right side of the guests. "Remove on the right!" Simply remember the two R's!

Glasses are refilled on the right because of their placement on the right.

In private houses in England, everything happens on the left side of the guest. Plates are served AND cleared from the left. The reasoning goes back to the time when there was staff to serve. Because glasses are placed on the right side of the place setting, by serving and removing everything from the left, there is less chance that the servers may knock a glass over.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To stack plates when clearing the table. Plates should never be stacked or, heaven forbid, scraped clean anywhere near the dining table!
What is done: Plates are cleared from the table, two at a time, three at most. Plates are cleaned in the kitchen.

No-No: To have any remaining plates on the table when dessert is served.
What is done: When all of the courses have been served and the remaining plates, salt and pepper, serving pieces, chargers, and flatware (other than the dessert flatware), are all cleared from the table first, then dessert (referred to as "pudding” in England) is served. Glasses remain on the table until the dinner is over and guests move to another room.

No-No: To jump up and start clearing the table when you are a guest.
What is done: It is always best to offer politely or begin to stand up to help, and if the hostess asks you to please be seated, then heed their request and sit back down! The hosts may prefer that you stay and keep the conversation going.

Millennial Tip

It is always a lovely idea to adjourn your guests from the dining room table into the living room (or what the English refer to as a drawing room...where one "withdraws" to another room) where you can serve coffee or more port!

By going into another area of the house, guests can move around and chat with other guests. If you have serving help, they can then clear the dining room table and clean up. Later, offer a tray of highball glasses filled with iced water to the guests in the living room. This is usually a welcome sight to everyone, especially after all of the libations that have been consumed during the evening!

When bread is served to you, what is the appropriate way to adorn your bread with butter?

When bread is served to you, take the piece of bread to your butter plate (to the left of your dinner plate) and let it rest a moment versus straight to your mouth. Then, break or tear a piece at a time with your fingers. Never cut your bread with a knife! Always tear one piece at a time, and then butter each piece one at a time as well! Also, it’s important to remember to never butter an entire piece of bread!

The butter knife can be placed on the butter plate at the 10-2 o'clock position, with the blade pointed towards the diner.

In England, the butter knife is placed in the 12-6 o'clock position, with the blade facing to the left, away from the dinner plate.

See these examples brought to life in the photo above. The monogram in the photo are those of my dear mummy.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To hold your butter knife and bread in a "helicopter hover" while breaking the bread or while buttering it!

What is done: Try to keep all flatware as close to the plate as possible, including the butter knife. Flatware should not be flying above the place setting, ever! Instead, discreetly break your bread, hold it just barely above the plate and butter it, and then return the butter knife onto the plate in the same position that it was placed when you sat down at the table.

Millennial Tip

Butter plates can be an amusing adornment on your table. For the fall, I have used glass "leaf-shaped" plates that add quite a festive look! In the spring, I love placing a small, edible violet on top of the butter pat! During Christmas, of course, two holly leaves are used to decorate the butter (but not the red berries, as they are poisonous!), and in the summer, a few basil or mint leaves. I also have some "butterfly-shaped" individual butter molds which I prepare in advance for dinner parties. If you ever see fox-head butter molds for sale, do let me know!

Where do you seat your guest, or guests of honor, at a dinner table?

You are cordially invited to enter the secret, unwritten world of manners and etiquette. Every Monday, you will receive my newsletter which will pose a question about different forms of etiquette to you. I will share a concise explanation as to what's done and also, what is not done... the forbidden faux pas to avoid! You will be privy to the subtle nuances practiced in polite society, yes, even in this relaxed world. My intention is to enlighten you, or simply refresh what you already know. Stunning manners can open magical, even regal doors. I am most grateful to my Mummy, and my British father, who instilled in me the importance of knowing and displaying a polished code of manners. I truly look forward to sharing them with you! 
 

Entertaining Etiquette
Where do you seat your guest, or guests of honor, at a dinner table?

The guests of honor should be seated to the right of the host or hosts. So, for example, a gentleman guest of honor will be to my right at a dinner table, and the lady guest of honor will be to my husband's right. Typically, the hosts are seated at either end of the table along with their guests of honor. But what happens if the table is exceptionally long for a celebratory event?  

When I hosted a luncheon in celebration of the visit of Lady Carnarvon of Highclere Castle (Downton Abbey) in the month of May, I decided to seat my 48 attending lady guests at an exceptionally long table. It actually extended the length of my verandah at Fox Hall! (photograph above) Because the table was so long, I decided to place my guest of honor in the very center of the table, to my right, with our backs against the brick wall. Lady Carnarvon had a view of the garden (always think about the view of your guest of honor, even if you are in a restaurant) and she was also able to glance down both sides of the table equally to see the guests. When I made my toast to her, and to the guests, by having Lady Carnarvon in the middle of the table, I could easily address everyone. They could hear me just by turning right or left, versus raising my voice to be heard down the entire table from the other end! I had a grand time at this luncheon celebration, the weather behaved brilliantly, and it continues to be a glorious memory for me.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

It is considered a faux pas to be seated when offering a toast while in a private residence. 

What is done: It is polite form to stand when giving a toast! If you are in a restaurant, it is not necessary to stand unless you are in a private room. If champagne or wine is served, you may hold a glass in your right hand while offering the toast and raise it in honor of your guests. If only water is served, there is no need to raise a glass. Either way, wine or water, offer genuine words to welcome your guests and let them know how grateful you are for their presence. 

Millennial Tip

Make the effort to offer a toast at a dinner party — either a party that you host or one that you are attending. By proposing a toast to your hostess, or to the guest of honor, or whomever, it is a genteel effort that your hosts and guest will appreciate immensely, especially if it is short and sincere. Mummy would be proud!

When attending a formal or semi-formal dinner, where do you place your evening bag?

Here are a few petite evening bags. They are on top of an elegant placemat, one of a set, that was just given to me for Christmas from a precious friend, Maria Helena, a diplomat from Brazil. Oh, and the pink ribbon clutch? I designed and sold these as my first business when I was just married... always have loved pink!

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When attending a formal or semi-formal dinner, where do you place your evening bag? Several ladies have asked me this question, so here is my two-part answer!

Typically, Mummy advised me that the rule of thumb for an evening bag is to place it on your lap, with the napkin placed over it, or behind the small of your back against the chair, but never hanging from the chair! All other handbags may be placed on the floor next to you.

 Now, here is my exception to this rule: If you are attending a public event such as a fundraiser, museum, or even a restaurant dinner and you have a delicate “Judith Leiber” type evening bag (examples in the photograph), then it has become acceptable to place it on the table, above the place setting, so that it is not in the way of the server. These little evening bags can be quite pretty and sparkly, adding to a festive table. I usually take the cue from the hostess of the event before I place mine on the table. 

For private dinner parties, evening bags, or any type of handbag, should never be placed on a dining table.

Upon entering someone’s home for a dinner party, I place my evening bag, or any size bag for that matter, on an entry hall chair or table, where it stays put for the evening, unless I go to the powder room and take it with me. The hostess has gone to great lengths to decorate her dining room table, and it does not include an evening bag, no matter how pretty it is! As a hostess, I offer a place for a lady to rest her evening bag or larger handbag.
 

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Millennial Tip

When attending any event, carry your purse with your left hand, like HRH The Queen does, so that you can easily shake hands with your right hand.
 

When dining in an elegant restaurant, quite often a small stool or bench is placed next to the ladies seated to set their evening bags or handbags upon. Oh, I adore when this happens!

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To place a clutch under your arm, instead of in your hands.
 

A clutch is meant to be carried with your hand, or with both hands in front of you, with your fingers pointing downward, as does HRH The Duchess of Cambridge.

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Etiquette at a seated performance: Ballet, Opera, Theatre

Attending any performance at the Opera Garnier, an architectural jewel in Paris, never ceases to delight and thrill! The colorful ceiling, a fresco commissioned to and designed by Marc Chagall in 1964, is a clever juxtaposition to the formal architecture of this renowned opera house.

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It is getting cold outside, which makes it a splendid time to attend a performance at a ballet, opera, theatre, or even the cinema! As such, here are a few things to consider.

While it is not necessarily required to dress up, it shows respect to the performers… And, why not? It is always fun to have an excuse to dress up! Wearing a coat and tie or a cocktail dress is considered internationally appropriate unless Black Tie is specified. 

Being punctual is paramount! If you are tardy, be prepared to be asked to wait until the usher deems an appropriate time to seat you, for instance, at the end of an act or the interval. Once my husband and I were set to attend the Opera Bastille but were delayed in Parisian traffic. When we arrived, we were required to wait inside next to the closed doors of the performance for twenty minutes. Be polite and do your best to arrive early. Should you arrive late, be patient as you wait. 

When entering or leaving your appointed row, it is highly debated between etiquette experts as to which way one should face. While Americans tend to face the stage, Europeans tend to face the back of the theatre. I prefer to face the stage, with my back to those seated. If you are seated, it is always considered polite to stand, especially if the rows are narrow and tight.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To leave your cell phone on, or to check it!  

What is done: Turn your cell phones off. Even if they vibrate, it can be distracting for those near you. Abstain from checking your cell phone as the light on the screen is also distracting.   

No-no: To wear a hat during a performance.

What is done: If you wear a hat, be considerate and remove it, or check it with your overcoat before the performance.

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A rather “unique” installation of two gold tractor tires by French artist Claude Lévêque was installed in the grand “gold foyer“ to celebrate the 350th anniversary of the Palais Garnier opera house for the year of 2019, and will be removed in January 2020!

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2020 could be the best year yet! How?

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Everyone claims to set goals for themselves for the New Year, but what is a tried and true method for doing so? 

Well, I know first-hand from Alexandra Terhalle. She is a University of Cambridge certified career and life coach, and just happens to be my eldest daughter!  Alexandra has clients around the globe via virtual consultation at www.AlexandraTerhalle.com. I am excited to share with you her “Recipe for Success,” which I have used to become crystal clear on my own goals for 2020. 

The Recipe for Success:

1. Be specific- know exactly what you would like to have, be, or do.

2. Assign a date to it.

3. Commit to it.

4. Focus on it daily.

Alexandra’s TOP TIP: 

Vague goals produce vague results! 

Instead, get specific. Make sure you set clearly defined goals.

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You have the power to take your life from where you currently are to where you want to be.

Going into 2020, Alexandra encouraged me to set some exciting goals with specific deadlines to keep me extra accountable! I hope you, too, are inspired to do so as well.

 My wishes to YOU for a happy, sparkling 2020!

Feel free to reach out to Alexandra as well. She can coach and assist you with implementing and achieving your goals. Her Instagram also has inspiring quotes! 

Alexandra Terhalle
Career | Relocation | Life | Business Coach
www.AlexandraTerhalle.com
Instagram: AlexandraTerhalleCoaching

Good things come in small packages (other than jewelry)!

Joy to the world! My beloved, childhood angels!

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Have you noticed how over-the-top Christmas decorations have become throughout the recent years? In contrast, I remember what Mummy shared with me “good things come in small packages,” along with, "it’s the little details which delight the heart.”

Diminutive decorations in your home can be absolutely charming to discover and behold! Petite vignettes, especially the ones with a significant meaning for the owner of the house, are also sweet. Ultimately, treasures with sentimental value are the best decoration. 

For example, in our living room at Fox Hall, there is a miniature circle of German wooden hand-carved angels that are worn and well loved. They are gathered around a little tree. My parents purchased these when we lived in Germany eons ago and allowed me to play with them.  Yes, some broke through the years, but those remaining have survived, acquired “love marks,” and are cherished. Their worn patina is authentic and enchanting, and continue to conjure up my beloved memories every year when I place them on our living room chest. No wonder these angels are well worn; they have been busy dancing around this tree for decades!

These precious angels are a stupendous gift to give and receive! I arrange them around a musical tree that was Mummy’s. When I wind up the tree, it gently turns and the angelic music  brings happy tears along with a flood of joyous Christmas memories from my childhood. 💗🎄
 

As piglet said in Winnie the Pooh, "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." This reminds me of another noteworthy aspect for giving a sentimental gift. There is nothing more splendid than a homemade gift. From a drawing, to a photograph, a poem, or a song played on an instrument, these are the gifts that touch my heart the most! 

From Fox Hall to you, I send my joyful wishes for a most meaningful and joyous Christmas with your loved ones.

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To compliment the angel theme in our living room, I have arranged an entire orchestra playing their instruments proudly on the tea table in our front hall. Our German son-in-law’s family have given us this collection of angels through the years, and I am most grateful for them!

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How to handle wine stains, spilt wax, and other party mishaps!

A butter knife used to scrape the chilled candle wax, along with a few prayers, was the magic remedy for this mishap!

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Yes indeed, accidents happen in preparation for or during any party! For example, my favorite Brunschwig & Fils linen damask for our antique chair in the front hall at Fox Hall was recently covered in spilt wax! On top of that, the fabric has been discontinued. So, now what?

Mummy always said nothing ruins a party faster than a hostess who becomes uptight and stressed over an accident. Mentally prepare in advance for mishaps to occur and then stay calm and carry on. This takes practice, along with a bottle of seltzer water close at hand! 

The entertaining mishap stories I could share with you through the years could be yet another book! From the water pipe breaking over the Butler’s pantry causing the ceiling to fall through two days before Lady Carnarvon arrived for lunch, to a full glass of port wine spilling across the dining room tablecloth onto a guest, we have almost seen it all at Fox Hall. 

Most recently, melted green candle wax was accidentally poured onto my yellow antique chair, the day before a black tie Christmas party! 

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My darling daughter, Caroline, shared with me how to rectify this wax calamity. First, I put the chair outside in the winter cold for a few hours to allow the wax to harden (you could place it near the air conditioner vent if you live in the south!). Then, I took a butter knife and scraped it off. Only a slight residue was left. I called Stanley Steemer who then cleaned off the remaining stains. Voila, like new, and just in time for the guests to arrive for the party! 

Red wine spills, of course, are also a common problem! I keep a bottle of seltzer water and some hand towels close at hand in preparation for this type of mishap. Of course, a guest will be mortified to have spilled wine, so to put them at ease I say something like, “The magic fairy comes in the morning-not to worry!” Smile, pour some seltzer water quickly over the stain, and then just leave it alone. That’s key! 

Once your guests depart, you can attack the stain. The less you do to clean it up, the more your guests will feel comfortable and continue to have a merry time. Try your best to keep that “sick, pit in your tummy” to yourself!

If you find white rings from the condensation of a cocktail glass on the table, I share mummy’s secret recipe to remove them in my book.

Enjoy your guests and forget about the mess... there is always tomorrow to rectify it!


On a different note for the newsletter, we are so pleased to welcome Lemondaisy as our newest sponsor.  I invite you to look at her website… you too will be delighted with her simply darling designs and cocktail napkins!

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I am so grateful to have my chair back to its lovely self again!

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"Five golden rings?" How to repurpose your napkin rings!

While visiting my daughter, Alexandra, in England, I plucked some pretty pink heather from her garden and placed it inside my granddaughter’s napkin ring to adorn her pink Herend Chinese Bouquet platter for an impromptu cocktail party.

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Over the years of entertaining at Fox Hall, I have discovered that napkin rings can easily be repurposed as a decorative feature to adorn an hors d’oeuvres platter by simply placing greens or flowers within the ring!

Napkin rings were created in France in the 19th century, before spreading to other western countries, to hold linen napkins for a household. With a ring, napkins were identified for individual family members or houseguests and could be used more than once between washing. More decorative napkin rings made of porcelain, wood, and other materials became popular in America, especially in the 20th century, and is a tradition that continues today.
 

Mummy only used silver napkin rings for family or houseguests... although never for a dinner party. She adhered to the old-school rule that using a napkin ring for a dinner guest would indicate that the napkin would be reused! I guess those words have stayed with me, as I only use my old-school silver napkin rings for family members or houseguests. I have added to my collection pewter napkin rings (no polishing required!) for each grandchild, with their name engraved. Another benefit of having them is that the grandchildren enjoy placing their names where they wish to be seated at the table as a pseudo-place card!

Millennial Tip

Quite often, silver napkin rings are considered an appropriate and thoughtful Christening present. Having them engraved to mark the baby's name and the occasion is a lovely tradition, and is practical, as the parents can use them too! 

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This Coalport horse and rider napkin ring was a gift to me many years ago. He jumps over boxwood and faux berries onto my Christmas platters every year!

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Do you know how to repurpose your place cards?

A few of our friends are allergic to shrimp, so it is imperative that I label my “shrimp and dilly dip,” especially because the shrimp is disguised inside the dip!

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"Party time is 'pretty' time!"
-Holly Holden

With so many allergies prevalent these days, I believe it is thoughtful and prudent to repurpose place cards in a place card holder to indicate what is being served.

Cards and their holders are normally used to indicate where a guest is to be seated at dinner. I also use them to describe what is being served on a cocktail or a buffet table.

By naming what an item is on a place card positioned next to a respective platter, tray or chafing dish, it becomes an easy visual for your guests to see what something is! I do not write the list of ingredients, but simply label it as a "lobster dip" or "curry ball with pecans."

For other items on the table such as a smoked salmon, Smithfield Ham, or chilled shrimp, I think they are rather self-explanatory, so I do not feel the need to have a card describe them.

Before any event, I always explain to my serving staff the ingredients and the name of what they will be passing around. This way, they are informed and can answer any questions such as if there are nuts or dairy in case a guest inquires.

As a host or hostess, the onus is on you to make your guests feel at ease, and little details like this go a long way in showing that you care about them.

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A Christmas tradition at every Fox Hall holiday party (since eternity!) is my coconut curry cream cheese ball! The family simply refers to it as “The Ball," although in this photograph it is in the shape of a log. And I am sorry to say that even though I’ve been asked a thousand times, I have never given this recipe out. That way, you must come to my house to try it!

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Do you know these "pretty party" secrets?

Happy Thanksgiving to all! My sincere gratitude to you for your support and subscribership. It is most comforting to know others are embracing the little nuances that contribute to a more gracious and gentle world!
Photo credit: Deb Key Imagery

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"Party time is 'pretty' time!"
-Holly Holden

With the upcoming holidays ahead, I have been asked to share a few more of my pretty party secrets!

Having a platter filled with glasses of champagne to serve your guests as they enter the house sets the scene for any party. It also alleviates the line at the bar, for those that wish to drink something other than champagne.

Consider repurposing a surface near the front door to have an additional platter of glasses pre-poured with wine. I open up a demilune (half-moon) table, which is normally against a wall under a window, to its fully open position for a larger surface in the front hall at Fox Hall. 

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Placing a linen napkin under the glasses keeps them from sliding around on a silver platter.

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My high boy by the front door also has a hidden “slide” which is a pull-out writing surface. Stuart will pull it out for our larger gatherings to place pre-poured glasses of wine. 

My daughter in England has a chest on chest desk with a pull-out drawer which transforms into a leather topped writing surface. She pulls it out and either uses it to serve cordials after dinner, or she places a champagne bucket and bottle on it along with glasses for parties. 

NOTE: A platter placed underneath is a must to contain the condensation from the iced champagne or from errant drops of wine!

Also, consider using a punch bowl or a large silver revere bowl to hold chilled bottles of wine sitting in ice, and decorate it by wrapping a big silk ribbon around the base!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To have opened bottles of wine with the cork placed back into the bottle halfway!

For a stunning serving platter, do you know the secret touch?

When Lady Carnarvon came to visit me at Fox Hall for a luncheon in her honour, I placed this precious little Highclere Castle ornament on the silver serving platter! Now, how simple yet befitting is that?!
PC: Deb Key Imagery

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"Party time is 'pretty' time!"
-Holly Holden

Mummy set an example for me by always decorating her party hors d’oeuvres platters with something pretty, unique and original. Instead of just a few flowers or greens to garnish her serving platters, she encouraged me to use something out of the ordinary. Whatever decoration that I decide to use, I keep in mind that it must not only complement the culinary creation being served, but also the decorative colors or aspects of the room where it is presented, the theme of the party... and that it should pay homage to the guest of honour!

On my travels, I make it a point to collect an array of precious little decorative items that I can easily place on a platter. For example, I use my Herend mouse from Scully and Scully in NYC to sit in the middle of a cheese platter… his own little fromage paradise! For Thanksgiving, I have a pair of porcelain pheasants nestled onto an hors d’oeuvres platter, which I purchased at an antique shop in Nantucket. Several other examples are pictured in my book. For the Christmas holidays, I have German Wendt-Kuhn wooden angels singing to various yummy offerings, including my cheese crispies. 

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Millennial Tip

I use a small ball, the size of a dime, of poster board clay and place it on the bottom of my adornments to hold them more securely when passing the serving platter around. 

Look around your house! You may find petite items that will work well as embellishments for your platter. The key is small and discreet, and not so large that it overwhelms the overall presentation and aesthetic of the food being served. 

Here are a few examples of this practice that may inspire you: a porcelain Limoges box, Christmas ornaments for a holiday party, a silver baby’s cup filled with flowers, a small Staffordshire porcelain animal, or an egg cup with one blossom placed in it! Have fun and go hunting around your house. You may surprise yourself with how many tiny objects you discover.